Rhod Gilbert on BBC Radio Wales.

If you are listening to this, you are listening to Rhod Gilbert's Best Bits, some of the best bits of my Saturday morning radio show, live on BBC Radio Wales. This week, I'm in the studio in Cardiff, and I'm joined by Little Lloyd Langford.

This is Rhod Gilbert live on, uh, BBC Radio Wales. ... Slight pause, eh? I've had, uh __ __ proper microphone up. ... I'm in the studio today, you see, in, uh, Cardiff. And, uh ... when I'm in a studio in Cardiff, I have to do my own microphone work ... uh ... things, which I don't, normally, when I'm ... when I'm in my kitchen in London, they'd do it for us, don't they, Lloyd? / Do I ... do I have to do mine as well? / Uh ... yeah, I think so. I think ... I think __ __ ... I think you do. There's a switch in front of you that says "Open" __ __ __ in Welsh as well, a__, ... and you __ just a__ the mic, and, uh, up you come. And, uh ... that's what we've been doing. So __ __ ... so, if __ __ irony ... uh ... long gaps ... I mean __ __ __ __ doing some magical radio __ __ __ mics up. ... Uh ... / I've just put mine up. / Good lad. Uh ... welcome back. Lloyd Langford __ been in Australia and New Zeland. How long? ... Two momths? / Two months, mate. / Two months. / On the road. / On the road. ... How did it go? / ... Good. / There you go. / ... I think they're gonna ask me back. / Huh? / I think they might ask me back. / Do you? / Yeah. / How long ... a month in New Zeland? ... Comedy festivals? / Yeah. / Touring? / ... Mainly in the same place in New Zeland. / __ __ __ ... __ in Australia / A__d / yeah? How's ... how's your career going __ over there? Are you ... massive? / ... Well, ... I'm ... bigger than I was. / Bigger than you were ... / I stroked a kangaroo. / Huh. ... Now we're getting t__ it. Now we are getting t__ it. ... Did you? / Yeah. / What happened? / ... We were driving past __ cricket pitch __ ... / Is __ still alive? / Yeah. / ... Wh ... why did you stroke it? __ __ __ supposed to touch __, I don't think. / I was given special dispensation. / ... Why did you stroke the kangaroo? / Well, 'cause I went to touch __ __ / __ __ euphemism, __ __? / he didn't jump away / Huh. Uh ... __ where did you ... how / you / lean out of a car __ __ __ pass ... what / did / I was driving alongside a __ / __ __ __ __ you can't drive __ __ __ about that. You might be in the passenger's seat. / No. We were driving somewhere, and we were passing a c__ pitch, and we were about f__ ... / a cricket pitch? / sunbathing, not playing. __ __ __ __ __ / why would __ __ __ c__ pitch? / I ... I don't ... I don't know, actually. But they were all there. There were 40 of them all, sun-bathing and __ __ / Are you sure it wasn't cricketers that you stroke? __ ... __ __ __ reached out of a car, and ... / shoulder pads on __ / h__ you reached out of __ car and stroked a nosy cricketer / somebody sun-bathing on a c__ ... probably wasn't a __, mate. Who told you it was a __? / Australian / they could have been ... / they wind up, mate. ... You could have reached out and stroked a fan, sun-bathing, watching a c__ match ... you've reached / car window and grabbed one__ ... Where did you stroke him? / ... On the back of the neck. / Oh, thank god for that. / ... I tried to stroke some of the other ones, when they jumpted away. / Of course they did. That's 'cause they were cricket fans. Did they shout you in En ... in English, in a sort of ... in a sort of, "Eeehhh" / Nuh. I didn't say anything / __ __ __ __ __ __ watch __ __. __. / one of other comedians said he was once kicked in the chest. / Oh, so, you were with comedians? / Yeah. / So, you were in a car ... Little Lloyd ... Little "innocent" Lloyd Langford ... you didn't __ __ look after you. This is the problem. You were in a car __ Australian comedians, and they said, "Hey, Lloyd, look / see those ... see those things sun-bathing, watching the c__. They're ... they're __s. Go __ stroke / back of the neck / other ones / what __ __ other ones say to you? / __ the other kangaroos? / Yeah. / ... Nothing. ... They ... they stayed in character. / ... So, you've clearly just stroked a sun-bathing cricket__ fan. What ... what else did you do? / I've got photos in my phone / you __ to differenciate / you / punch__ in the face by / cricket fan, beaten up, chased __ the town by c__ fans / I saw two dingos as well. I didn't / any of them / I bet you did. What did they look like? / Uh ... small dogs. / Did your Australian comedians tell you __ __ __ dingos / Yeah. They ... they were excited. They __ never / small dogs / A: on leads, B: on somebody's __ in a restaurant, or C: in a ... in a ... in a lady's handbag? / ... They were wild. They were out and about. / Where were they? / Uh ... near Alice Springs, in the Outback. / Huh huh. Maybe the __ __ / We were eating __ icecream when one of them approached us. / ディンゴを見たよ。/ ほほう。/ アイスクリームを食べてたら寄ってきたんだ。/ __ ... __, what happened then? / Well, I had my icecream quicker.

I've got an alien quiz for you __ after / abducted by aliens / It's been / been doing the rounds internet. Have you seen it? / The Alien Quiz? / Yeah / like __ UFO quiz, to see if you have been abducted by aliens. / I don't think I have / a bunch of ... uh uh uh, I'll be the judge of that. Once / done the quiz / a bunch of / be the judge of that. Once __ __ done the quiz / 宇宙人に拉致されたことなんかないよ。/ 自分で決めるな。それはオレがお前にこれからする質問の答えによってオレが判断する。 / abducted by a__s / abductees / They __ realize it? / Well, they have put together some questions in a quiz for you to check yourself to see if you've been abducted, 'cause what happens a lot of the time / a lot of people don't realize it when they do get abducted by aliens. They wipe your memory of it. / Yeah, of course. / Of course they do. / really would, wouldn't you? / if / wouldn't you? Eh? ... You __ __ probably wipe that / おまえが宇宙人を拉致して地球に連れてきたとしたら、帰すときはそいつらの記憶を消すだろう？ 誰だってそうする。 / wipe __ Australian blokes. ... Was it a bloke or woman that you touched on the back of the neck / think / was a __ / Uh ... I ... I don't know if / male or female kangaroo. There were some female __s that had, uh, baby __s in their pouches. / Huh, uh ... joey? / The joey, with a little hand hanging out. / Is that how ... how __ __ do it? I've never seen / pouch / baby in __ pouch / it was like a little tiny hand / What? So, __ __ two hands looking over the f__ __ ?/ only the hand there. I think / awkwardly. / ... __ __ __ no head sticking out? __ __ just a hand? / just a hand / you know, when / trying to / sleeping bag __ __ __ too small / ... Anyway. I'll be doing my UFO quiz, uh, with you, uh, later on. / And they find __ __ if I h__ been abducted by aliens, and ... / Do you wanna do it now? / guess / do you wanna do it now / the UFO thing? / Yeah. Why not? / Huh. OK. Right. ... It says the ques ... the quiz is this. Uh ... uh ... "Have you ..." Hey, 8 10 12 on the text __ __ you can tweet the show. Let us know if you have been abducted. It says / how have you been abducted by aliens (But / how / wiped from your mind / uh / right / this is the thing / you would think / being violated by aliens armed with fearsomely large probes ... / Yeah, / ... might be the sort of thing that sticks in your mind after __ abduction __ __ / not just / mind __ / "... but aliens have a nasty habit of wiping your memories shortly after they've wiped off their equipment. / __ they wipe the probe? / That's what __ says here__ __ that's what they do. They ... they wipe that down / anti- / and then they wipe your memory. They put that in a little jar of, uh ... they __ __ __ jam jars, and they / fell / in / sort of anti-b__ fluid / it's a bit like / you / painting / and you / brushes in t__s. ... That's what they do with their probes. They put / antiseptic / and then they wipe your memory. / Right. / Right? Uh ... "Thankfully," it says here, "we've got a quiz to help you work out if it__ happened to you, 'cause __ World UFO Day / Today, is it? / Well, __ __ __ __ __ on a Saturday ... __ __ __ a few days ago. ... We have to wait. Uh ... " ... a group of alien abductees __ __ people have been abducted / put this together to help / abducted / how / people / abducted / why they / how come they'd know / why / even / memories wiped? ... I don't know. How does that work? / Maybe they ... they __ __ __ __ well / Maybe the wiping went wrong? / Yeah. / Yeah. __ just, uh ... / or maybe they pride themselves of having / really good memory. / Yeah, maybe. I ... I don't know / presume / presume / memory / like, uh ... / wiping a hard-drive or something, innit? Maybe / traces of stuff / Yeah. / I don't know. Uh ... was ... is that the case with __ __ hard-drives / uh, anyway, so, here's the questions, right? Uh ... these __ __ __ put together a helpful list of signs to look out for / uh / that, uh, suggests you've been abducted by extraterrstrials" __ __ quite an odd list of things, I have to say. ... What kind of questions would you expect to be on there? / Uh ... like, uh, ... long periods of, uh, like, blackout / OK / waking up somewhere ... you don't recognize / huh, that's a good one. ... That's not on this list / waking up with, uh ... uh ... a bodily pain? / Yeah__ So you can only sleep on your front from now on ... __ __ sleep on your front for a couple of weeks / maybe / sit down for a couple of ... couple of weeks for no ... no ex__ reason__ / increased interest in watching E.T. All good __ ... / Increased interest in watching E.T. All good __ these aren't on the list. What else? ... What else can you think of? / uh ... suddenly being able to speak a new language that no one else understands. / Somebody ... __ bursts of an ... of an unknown language. That would be a good one. / mashed potato__s / suddenly you don't / normal / always __ __ __ __ __ supermarket __ __ suddenly __ __ ... drawn to __ __ ... Are you drawn to __ __ __ __ supermarket? ... can't sit down, speak foreign languages __ __ none of those are on the list. / No? / No. ... Shall I tell you the list? / Yeah. Please do. / "Have you ever been vegetarian?" ... That's on the list. / No. / OK. __ __ a good sign / is it ... / have you ever been a vegetarian or vegi-cu ... / why is that on the list? / I have eaten vegetables / 野菜を食べたことはあるよ。 / Yeah / probably halfway there, then. ... Why did the ... why __ __ __ list of / abducted by aliens / why would you be / I have been vegetarian. Put me down / maybe / You keep the scores. So far, I'm on one / maybe there / maybe __ __ experiments with you. They change your, um, internal makeup, so you come back and you're suddenly a vegetarian 'cause they've made a mistake ... they've / it's very hard to tell whether you've ... A: / abducted by aliens, or ... or B: Just develop / about eating / meat / uh ... do you take vitamin pills? / No. / Nor me. ... OK. ... Apparently that is a sign. / ビタミン剤を飲んだことがあるか？　ない？　オレもない。ということは、これは明らかに宇宙人に拉致されたかどうかの証左といえる。 / ... How is that a sign? / I think there's a flaw in this __ __ __ it was created by people ... / I think / flaw in this / ... the people who believe they've been abducted by aliens / they might not necessarily have the most / stringent, scientific ... / だって、要するに、自分は宇宙人に拉致された、と思っている人たちが作ったリストでしょ？ / say that / Question 3: Do you dream about owls? ... Have you dreamed about owls? Apparently that / giveaway / dead giveaway / abducted / recently / a bit of a fixation of owls. / ... That'll do. Jot that down. What's the scores? / One - __ / you know, the owls / all / play for / turned you around his head? / __ __ the lightest ... the lightest feather__ of any birds. / __ __ __ you find that out / __ __ __ f__. That's why __ __ also a / silent flyer, the owl. / Wow. / One of the bad things about the owl's feathers is that they are not waterproof. / Wow. / They get very wet. / So, if ... so, if you throw it into a river, you / splash / if you / owls in the river / Don't throw owls in rivers. ... "Does your TV ever go weird when you go near it?" / あなたがテレビに近づくとテレビが変なうなりを発するか？ / Uh ... / No. / something like that. No? Nor me. "Do you ever have __ feeling you're being watched? / Now, certainly. ... There's a window in the studio with two people / production team. ... "Do you have a feeling you are being watched?" Who could ... / Yeah. / I do / that sense, Lloyd? / lot / when / you have it / well, every time I'm on stage / every time on TV? / Yeah. / ... Do you know / people / people / in the audience / yeah, I did. I was / how did it feel when you were watching yourself on __ ? / you must have felt / being watched then / yourself / being watched / on TV / 自分がテレビに映っているところを自分で見たことはないよ。 / Oh, OK. Cross that off, then. ... Uh ... "Do you hear weird humming noises at night?" / Yeah. / Do you? / I ... I do live next door to a jazz musician. / ... OK. That's it, apparently. That's, uh ... that is the ... that is the questions I've got here. I don't know, maybe / how many have you scored? / likely to / have been abducted / so you've been abducted and I haven't. Congratulations.

What features have we got so far? "Have you been abducted by aliens?", following / 6 questions / burnt yourself on a ham & cheese toasty / Yeah. Have you / What's the difference between a __ and / c__ player / joke? Or do you ...? Oh, you / just / still trying to find out. ... Uh ... based on the fact that Lloyd clearly stroked a cricket fan in Australia, having been told it was a kangaroo / um ... I once __ __ burn myself on a cheese and tomato toasty." says, uh, Brian in P__ / go. / that's that / feature, up and running. Uh ... "RE: the alien feature, no, I haven't been abducted by aliens." Huh. / in __. That's good. Uh ... "Hi Rhod and Lloyd. I __ __ __ pop out again / so __ miss the live show / catch up / on a train on Tuesday." ... Keep us informed ... keep us informed. ... Now then, the light-hearted gamble through the newspapers. I saw this the other day, Lloyd. You'd like this. "The shoes worn by Sir Roger Bannister" ... and I thought, "God. ...", innit? How ... how much has athletics changed? These days the kit they've got / running spike / technology / Roger Bannister / shoes / What? Like __? / imagine / little school socks / Didn't he break the ... some form __ __ / he's the first f__ / that's what he's famous for / running shoes / so it says here. / says / shoes worn by Sir Roger Bannister / even more impressive / little school shoes. That's what he ran in __ / ve__ / it says, "the shoes worn by Sir Roger Bannister __ __ the world's first / 54 / three minutes 59 / he / in a pair of shoes / ... And he's selling the shoes for 50 thousand pound? / passed away / I think, isn't he? ... Oh, no, he hasn't / he is still alive, apparently. Well, good. That is good news, isn't it? / for, __ ... like ... I wouldn't pay 5,000 pound__ for ... Usain Bolt / wh ... you can't just buy Usain Bolt, mate. / like / who is ... who's the most famous athlete in the world now? / Usain Bolt. / Is he? / Have you heard of him? / Yeah. ... I wouldn't / buy / 50 thousand pound__ for __ of his g ... gear. / Wouldn't you? / shoes, ... shorts, ... / maybe you're just not / not into, uh, athletics. / Well, I'd like ... / Let me ask you this: Are you into athlelics? / Not really. / Right. ... So, / people / do they? / if you are massively / shoes / little black shoes / first / the world's ... world's first / yeah, but / think it was possible / humanly / record to break / he did it / little shoes there, 50 grand. ... If you're into athletics / right / blues / Right? / that's what / imagine ... imagine, if I said to you ... __ __ in my bag / I've got a pair / god bless his soul / J__ / underpants. ... Right? ... Used. ... Let's ... let's start bidding. You'd be __ __ go up, ... wouldn't it? You'd be ... you'd be / nose / your nose / little / sign / you'd be bidding / only you and me in here / bid / rather than / signals / all / if he was wearing shoes that / if anything, they'd h__mper the speed. / yeah, that / wants / buy them / trash them / Uh, yeah / for / if / in trainers / imagine __ __ pair of trainers / shoes. ... How much would you bid me for a pair of, uh, BB King's underpants? ... Actually __ Johnny__ __ __ B.B. King / you / now / OK. Which / Well, I mean, there's no connection between the music and / underpants. ... It's like ... It doesn't make any sense ... like, ... I would be more interested in / all / I mean / B.B. King's guitar / right / OK. How much / bid / for that? Forget the underpants / red herring / you wouldn't be able to / guitar / couple of hundred thousand pounds at least / would want that? / Yes. / You can, because you are a blues fan / apply that same thing / shoes. ... Can you do that? ... How much / though.

Apparently, bubble wraps are / in danger of going / plastic bubble-wrap / could soon be a thing of the past / coming / you can't pop / W ... why is that? / Uh, because, uh, it / column / instead of / I've heard that before. You / ... Mate, you can only pop __ bubble wrap once / imagine / one massive bubble / Hang on a minute. ... Yeah, I've done that. / so / pop / then / all the fun / out of it / how deflated / how disappointed / you / happened / well, I mean / A: furious, B: mildly irritated / D / how / didn't / I / dist__ / E? / E. / so, that could be the end of that / bubble wrap / no / cause / I'll stock __ up / sell on a black market / born in bed / know that? / people are most likely to come up with / money-spinning ideas / on / on a toilet / on / toilet / is, uh ... well / two thousand adults / best ideas / what / to that / comedians / uh ... "The poll of 2000 adults __ revealed / creative / business / at work, 7% / in the shower / in the car, and / so, how much percent is that? / no / the toilet is the best place / eureka moment / totally different poll, innit? / ever / eureka moment / thought / bath / moment / yeah / wasn't he? ... in the bath / in the bath? / sort / bath / what happened / eureka moment / he displaced / the volume of water similar to / he / said / know /

プチプチは近いうちに過去のものとなる。それに対するあなたの反応は？

　楽しみだ

　残念だ

　とても残念だ

　立ち直れない

いいんだ。そうなる前に買いだめしておくから。そしてプチプチのブラックマーケットでさばいて巨万の富を築く。

革新的なアイデアはトイレで生まれる。

トイレのドアを開けるとプログラムが起動してセンサーがトイレットペーパーの有無を感知する。トイレットペーパーが切れている場合はあなたがパンツをおろす前に警報を発する。

on a train / from Tokyo / monk / mountain / somewhere / really / on a train / I don't know / monk / meeting / UK last week / last / me / and he's a monk / he's devoted / entire life / god / more / both of us combined

morning / weird new / not / very / experience / loud pop / expect / that's all right / bubble wrap / more than one, obviously / loving / from where? / Hi Rhod and Lloyd / best / had / when I was / toilet / make / alarm system / motion tracker / when you walk in / alerts / toilet roll / this is an upsetting sentence / good idea / it's not a good idea / it / we have all gone to the loo / and / looked / done / rest / brace yourselves / best / make / alarm system / motion tracker / walk in / check / before / or panties down / this is from / wife / if you / before pants / can't / upsetting / every time / bathroom / a robot asks / check / motion __r / walk / check / toilet / wife / what / four times a day / each / yeah / so / after / check / check / switch it off / for the rest of the day / no / because / check / everything's fine / then / three / later / comes / alarm / for some unknown reason / right / stayed / been to the toilet / non-stop all day / relentlessly / check / out / back / few / alarm off / walks in / 10-15 minutes / Oh, heck / Oh, heck / he says / anyway / final / so / before you / down / upsetting enough / sentence / that way /

Uh, "Hi Rhod / the other week / talked / whenever / email / other / "God, did I? Did I really? / bad / feeling / moment / show / "Hi Rhod, / the other week / no need / in relation to peas / subject / I ... did I? / remember / about / about / no need to specify / garden / would you agree with that? / again / don't farmers grow peas? / is / that / mate / must / farmers growing peas / where else / parents / to talk / peas / have that / know where / come from / garden / field / field / peas / sound better / field peas / it says / I apparently / peas / talking about garden peas / field peas / might call them / says / always / wouldn't you? / put / weight / if you're saying / mushy / otherwise you / or something like that / big peas / yeah, you do / m__ fat / they're beans, mate / not / beans / not / fat / head / really / without __ ears / exactly like you / おまえにそっくりだ。耳はないけどな。耳があったら、おまえの顔とまったく同じだ。/ tin / one / sort of / open / runs off / massive / almost human / anyway / this person / says, "I blieved you / first mistake / this show / この番組を聴き始めて誰もが最初に犯す過ちだ / imagine / in-laws / peas / normal / sunday afternoon / banter / flowing / chat / imagine / prospect / wasn't just / do you like peas / so / do you / like / peas / saying / peas a chance / imagine my distress / yes / of course / then / presented / mushy peas / no / like / announced / technically / point / saying / only / if / expect / do you / normally / point / person / if / in-laws / imagine / girlfriend / position / you / said / hey / like / dinner table / yeah / how / brought / you / equally / be / wrong / kick / technically / I'm just saying / clarify / I think / fair enough

dear / Celebrity Out Of Context Bingo / here it is / famously / well / at school / trinity / cheap-looking car / birthday / ages ago / keep / does that ... does that count / out of context / birthday party / out of context / on a successful b__ trip / this one / this one / recently / yeah / this is from / recently / in Cardiff / well / chest of drawers / Hi Rhod / cricket / regards / this is my / this week's / restaurant / eating food off a plate / from / um / was / this isn't particularly out of context / James / boat / fell / double / out / seen / almost / he never fishes / 僕はジェームズ・ボンドの映画を全部見たけど、たしかに、彼が釣りをしているシーンは皆無だよ。 / really / most / james / fishing / sit / celebrity / shades / out / energy / sex / boat / day / mate/ guess / no / where / now then / favorite / celebrity / bingo / says / adam / yeah / who / right / local supermarket / in / buying / processed meal for one / ironic / chef / definitely / celebrity / winner

you remember / a pair of / underpants / offer / buy them / くれようとしたんじゃないよ。売りつけようとしたんじゃないか。 / tried / pair / excited / buy / underpants / blues / underpants / yeah / what about / jazz / know / miles / blues / going / classical / underpants / historical / age / underpants / historical / stuff / queen / sale / right now / expected / july / auction / another / pair / underpants / quid / says / here / about / stamp / silk / nice / 45-inch waist / thousand / exactly / split / material / pick / that much / says / excellent condition / good / been / preserved / temperature-controlled room / do / says / dated the pants / they've dated the pants / for a start / do you know / how to date / pair / パンツの年代を測定する方法を知ってるか？ / give / how / date those / take / sample / material / carbon / pants / waist / saying / photographic / waist / over / time / photograph / go / 45 / from / period / roughly / item / size / grand / auction / nose / really / historical /

If you enjoyed that, why don't you listen to the whole show? Rhod Gilbert / BBC Radio Wales, 11 till 1.

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